As the year of 2018 draws to a close and a new year begins, I have contemplated on, not how the entire year has gone but rather, how the last two weeks have passed. As one who loves reading and studying the scriptures, I believed for a long time that one of the major goals in life was to be happy because in them it seemed to be a commandment; Christ told us to have joy, didn't He? Well, yes, but I think that He meant to have joy in the long run, not necessarily that we cannot experience other emotions such as anger, hurt, and sadness.
For years I pretended to be emotionally strong. If I was angry, I'd meditate, exercise, or play fighting video games until my anger subsided. If I was sad or hurt, I'd turn my attention elsewhere or push my emotions away so that I could avoid those feelings. I became, at times, almost robotic. The past two weeks, however, taught me differently. After several weeks of working extra, cleaning up after people, and constantly having something that I needed to do, I was both emotionally and physically exhausted. The final Friday of the year found me returning to my apartment, where I stayed in my room and cried. After the constant pressures of those last weeks, I did not fight the tears. On Saturday morning, not long after waking up, I discovered that a dear friend had committed suicide. Was I to ignore my emotions then as I had five years ago when I lost two other friends to death? No. I needed to cry and so I cried that weekend. Is it wrong for me to feel hurt and depressed because of my loss? No. We may be here to have joy and to trust in our Savior to free us from the pains that we have to experience, but Jesus himself shed tears when He was told that His friend Lazarus had died. He separated Himself from others when He received news that His cousin, John, had been killed. The truth is that it is okay to be angry, sad, fearful, anxious, etc. because it is a part of life to feel those feelings. My roommate has a dish towel that says, "It's okay to have a meltdown" and I've learned that it's okay every once in a while as long as we don't let ourselves stay there.
What pulled me out of the sadness that I was experiencing is that I remembered that there is plenty to be happy about. As long as there is still good in the world, we have no need to remain sad, angry, etc. for long. We can smile and laugh, knowing that all of our darkest days will see the light once more.
