Smile. Be happy. Have joy. Live.

There is a song by One Republic called "I Lived". After a time of listening to it, I wondered if I truly have been living my life the way I wanted to live it. In a religious sense I always have strived to do better each day and to follow Jesus Christ's path, but in a temporal way I seemed to be stuck in my own failed dreams and plans. I had finished a degree in the Arts and went back for a while to study Computer Science, but over time it didn't appear that I would be able to finish the degree. Working at a theater for 10 years (even if as a manager for half that time), still being single, and not having experienced much in my life due to fear of leaving my comfort zone was not the plan that I originally had. When I was younger I thought that I would be married with a kid and working an art job from home by the time I was 30 years old, but I have not accomplished any of that so far. I was troubled because I felt like a failure.

Earlier last year I walked around the temple grounds in Provo with a particular question on my mind: Father, what is your plan for me? I thought that I was doing something wrong and that is why nothing worked out the way that I wanted. The response came, "I don't care what you choose to do for work or what to do with your life, so long as you are happy." Now this doesn't mean that He wanted me to go out and spend my life in riotous living because complete happiness only comes from following our Lord's commandments, but He didn't have anything specific that I should have been doing differently. After that point, I decided that if life was not going to work out the way that I had originally planned, what is to stop me from living it to the best of my ability?

I decided to not finish the second degree and instead dedicate the money and time that I would have spent for the extra schooling to living: traveling to places that I had never been and spending the time that I had with family and friends, and working on my portfolio in order to apply for art jobs later. This included going to Disneyland with friends and riding both rollercoasters and a ferris wheel, which I had never before done due to fear. In our lives, fear is not new. It prevents us from having the joyful life that our Father wants us to have. If we listen to it, fear escalates and weakens us. When I travel to a new place or do something different, the anxiety I have does not leave, but the courage that I have becomes stronger because it destroys fear's bonds. When we choose to live and disregard the fear that we feel, we start to feel more joy. Sometimes our Father in Heaven does have a specific path for some of His children, but maybe there are many out there like me who are asked that they just choose something worthwhile and then be happy with their circumstances.

At a future time, I may be playing the game "Never have I ever" and only be able to say that I have never ridden a horse, but it is fine because I can at least say that I have lived.

The Ultimate Peace in the Storm

What is peace? How do we obtain it? In John 14:27 Christ says, "Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid." The peace of which He spake refers to the Holy Spirit, which He promised to leave with His disciples when He ascended unto heaven. Therefore, peace comes as we have the companionship of the Holy Spirit. "Not as the world giveth, give I unto you," Jesus says, however. How does the world give peace compared to how our Savior gives peace? Peace by the world's definition comes in the absence of war, the absence of fear, or the absence of any disturbance. Peace from the Savior and the Holy Spirit still exists even when we are surrounded by turmoil or in the midst of war. 

There are two ways that I like to picture true peace: The first is based on a story that I heard about a king that called the great artists in the land and said that he would pay for a painting with the best depiction of peace. The painting that he chose in the end was one that showed a calm mother and baby bird in the middle of a huge storm.

The second way that I like to envision peace is by my experiences of sitting outside in my parent's backyard or in nature. Imagine yourself in this situation; The sun is beaming gently, the shade provides relief from the heat, but a warm breeze is blowing. The leaves are rustling, bees are buzzing, and birds are chirping. There are no sounds of vehicles, trains, or planes. It isn't exactly silent, but it's quiet. It is not what is happening externally that makes the situation peaceful but the warmth that I feel inside. 

Peace or the lack thereof is not influenced by external forces. The storms of life, the turmoils, illness, war and destruction, and surrounding darkness cannot remove the peace that is within our heart and soul. The peace within us comes from our Savior, Jesus Christ, through the Holy Spirit and is lasting. When we remember Him and we keep in mind the eternal perspective, that peace that He promised us will stay with us and no external force can take it from us.

Changing the World one Kumquat at a Time

There is a fruit that many people around here don't know about. It's called the Kumquat. The Kumquat is unusual because it's a citrus-type fruit that can be eaten whole; the peel is sweet and the inside is bitter (and it has great health benefits for its size). When I first tried the Kumquat, which I had found at a store by accident, I absolutely loved it. Over the years, I wanted to share it with other people because I hoped to introduce them to its wonder and delight. It made me happy to see others' reactions to trying it: at first squinting their eyes because of the bitter sourness inside and then widening their eyes in surprise as they realized that the fruit was pleasant overall.

I have been trying ever since that first day of experiencing the Kumquat, myself, to change the world one Kumquat at a time.

My experience of trying the Kumquat and sharing it with my friends, family, and coworkers is similar to my experience of trying the Gospel of Jesus Christ. At times, living His gospel is difficult. If I said that it's been a joyful, easy ride ever since I chose to follow Christ I'd be lying. In complete honesty, just like the Kumquat, there is a bitterness in following Him in this mortal life: walking alone most days, unpopularity, and difficult trials, to name a few of the challenges. However, despite that bitterness, there is a delightful and pleasant sweetness that accompanies the bitterness: peace, deeper love, joy, and small day-to-day miracles.

If this fruit that I enjoy so much did not have the bitter, it would be like any other fruit. It would be good, but it wouldn't be great. There will always be those moments of bitterness when one chooses to follow Christ, but without the bitter, living the Gospel of Jesus Christ and following Him would only be good, not great. Since the bitter makes the wonder of life all the more sweeter, I will continue to work on changing the world one Kumquat at a time.

No Longer Emotionally Robotic

As the year of 2018 draws to a close and a new year begins, I have contemplated on, not how the entire year has gone but rather, how the last two weeks have passed. As one who loves reading and studying the scriptures, I believed for a long time that one of the major goals in life was to be happy because in them it seemed to be a commandment; Christ told us to have joy, didn't He? Well, yes, but I think that He meant to have joy in the long run, not necessarily that we cannot experience other emotions such as anger, hurt, and sadness.
For years I pretended to be emotionally strong. If I was angry, I'd meditate, exercise, or play fighting video games until my anger subsided. If I was sad or hurt, I'd turn my attention elsewhere or push my emotions away so that I could avoid those feelings. I became, at times, almost robotic. The past two weeks, however, taught me differently. After several weeks of working extra, cleaning up after people, and constantly having something that I needed to do, I was both emotionally and physically exhausted. The final Friday of the year found me returning to my apartment, where I stayed in my room and cried. After the constant pressures of those last weeks, I did not fight the tears. On Saturday morning, not long after waking up, I discovered that a dear friend had committed suicide. Was I to ignore my emotions then as I had five years ago when I lost two other friends to death? No. I needed to cry and so I cried that weekend. Is it wrong for me to feel hurt and depressed because of my loss? No. We may be here to have joy and to trust in our Savior to free us from the pains that we have to experience, but Jesus himself shed tears when He was told that His friend Lazarus had died. He separated Himself from others when He received news that His cousin, John, had been killed. The truth is that it is okay to be angry, sad, fearful, anxious, etc. because it is a part of life to feel those feelings. My roommate has a dish towel that says, "It's okay to have a meltdown" and I've learned that it's okay every once in a while as long as we don't let ourselves stay there.
What pulled me out of the sadness that I was experiencing is that I remembered that there is plenty to be happy about. As long as there is still good in the world, we have no need to remain sad, angry, etc. for long. We can smile and laugh, knowing that all of our darkest days will see the light once more.