5 Miracles

A couple of weeks ago I had an extremely trying week and it actually continued into the following week. Because of it I had a period where I was suffering greatly with anxiety and didn't really want to be around people, and I began to lose my confidence. However, just when I was close to abandoning almost everything to do with my social and work life a few miracles happened. A girl in my ward needed to borrow someone's laptop that had photoshop on it and I happened to have that. As she was over working on her assignment, she told me about a group planning on playing ultimate frisbee during the week. So that upcoming week I included myself in social activities and went and played ultimate frisbee. The girl who told me about it wasn't there but I played frisbee with 5 guys. Two of the guys I already knew, while three of them were new to the ward. As a result of playing ultimate frisbee with them, the three new guys and their roommate quickly became friends that I've been able to hang out with each week. Because of my trial, I became much better at playing the piano (I spent almost everyday practicing to calm my anxiety), I began serving more, I spent more time with my family and people in my ward instead of those at work, and Heavenly Father sent me 5, I suppose 6 actually, miracles at the right time. 
I had dropped so very low that difficult week and a half, but Heavenly Father wanted me to see that He was still watching over me and loved me. He needed me to be humbled so I'd pay more attention to the answers and guidance He had for me. I know He is our watchful and caring Father that never abandons us. We tend to look down as we lose confidence in ourselves and have difficult trials, but if we'll turn around and look up, we'll see that He is there. Never give up on a difficult task. The Lord will provide the way and send blessings beyond measure. 

A Personal Demon: Social Anxiety

Recently, I realized that I need to share about one of my most persistent personal demons because people need to understand that those suffering with any mental disorder are still normal. Those that have depression do try to get out of their depression; those with anxiety don't always sit down and cry out "Woe is me!" Depression, Anxiety, Schizophrenia, Bipolar, Obsessive Compulsive, and similar disorders or mental illnesses do not define us as individuals, but rather they are trials given to us to help us trust in some greater plan.
I have Social Anxiety. Coworkers, friends, my boss, and my neighbors think that I am sometimes shy but can be friendly and outgoing. I am both, of course, but most of the time I act and put on the costume of a different character around others. I talk to strangers, usually listen with a passive face when someone is angry with me, and I act as though I'm having fun in groups of people, but the truth is that within I'm struggling.
Social Anxiety's characteristics can vary among people. Some cannot deal easily with large groups of people, while others may feel fine in groups but panicked when one-on-one. Some have trouble with giving speeches even though they can perform in front of others, while some feel comfortable giving speeches or talks but fear being called on the spot. Regardless of the occasion, the symptoms of social anxiety are similar: increased pace in heart rate, difficulty breathing, clenched stomach, lightheaded, shaking, and more worrying. Often the anxiety leads to panic attacks or a form of depression.
I share some things from the perspective of one who suffers from this trial:
1) First, it might surprise you, but I'm not always shy. I can talk to others easily and at the time appear calm and outgoing. Most of the time I am fine in the moment, but later I will tremble and be nervous about the situation although it already happened.
2) When I know that someone is angry with me, I will fear any sort of encounter with them. I constantly worry, and upon encounter I feel defeated and hated. I know that the other person doesn't hate me, really, but my mind says that they do. If said person yells at me or raises their voice, I struggle to forgive them for several days.
3) When I'm in the clutches of anxiety, I don't want to be around others. One friend is fine, but two is too many.
4) In addition, I prefer corners and small spaces when anxiety hits. For me, although some may think it's a childish habit, in those moments I grab a blanket and a stuffed animal because it provides some security.
5) I appear to be disinterested when talking to another individual, but actually I am listening carefully. I don't really like drawing attention to myself by talking so to avoid getting nervous, I tend to shut down my emotions.
6) Don't embarrass me if you can help it. I understand that everyone likes to tease and I do it too, but sometimes it's inappropriate. When I am constantly teased I feel bullied.
7) Anxiety from social circumstances builds until I can no longer handle situations and I break down. By the end of a week filled with uncomfortable social situations comprised of embarrassment, getting in trouble, and high self-expectations, I cannot handle things perfectly.
8) I'm a perfectionist. I despise making mistakes of any sort and almost always know when I make one. I don't have to be told because I'm self-critical to the extreme. I feel like I have to act perfectly in public to be accepted, and this places great amounts of pressure on me.
9) I don't like being in traffic because I feel trapped.

Even though it's difficult having a disorder or a mental illness of any sort, people don't have to walk on "eggshells" around those that struggle. The purpose of sharing about my personal demon is not to tell others to be careful and stay back, but to let others know that those with disorders lack complete control over them. Some will say that disorders of any type are just like any physical illness in which we can intake good nutrients, exercise, take medication, and feel better. Rather, emotional and mental disorders are like cancer. All of those things can be done to feel better, and they will help, but it will not be completely taken away. Even when we push through the symptoms each day and fight against the disorders, eventually we'll have to deal with those symptoms again.
That's where it is necessary to have a root or something to be grounded into. For me, it's the gospel of Jesus Christ. Trusting in Him and the Father's plan keeps me secure. Because of what I believe, I know I have someone to talk to that understands and can help me through this difficult trial. To all who do suffer through any disorder, I plead for you to not give up. Trust in God and one day you will be made whole.