Smile. Be happy. Have joy. Live.

There is a song by One Republic called "I Lived". After a time of listening to it, I wondered if I truly have been living my life the way I wanted to live it. In a religious sense I always have strived to do better each day and to follow Jesus Christ's path, but in a temporal way I seemed to be stuck in my own failed dreams and plans. I had finished a degree in the Arts and went back for a while to study Computer Science, but over time it didn't appear that I would be able to finish the degree. Working at a theater for 10 years (even if as a manager for half that time), still being single, and not having experienced much in my life due to fear of leaving my comfort zone was not the plan that I originally had. When I was younger I thought that I would be married with a kid and working an art job from home by the time I was 30 years old, but I have not accomplished any of that so far. I was troubled because I felt like a failure.

Earlier last year I walked around the temple grounds in Provo with a particular question on my mind: Father, what is your plan for me? I thought that I was doing something wrong and that is why nothing worked out the way that I wanted. The response came, "I don't care what you choose to do for work or what to do with your life, so long as you are happy." Now this doesn't mean that He wanted me to go out and spend my life in riotous living because complete happiness only comes from following our Lord's commandments, but He didn't have anything specific that I should have been doing differently. After that point, I decided that if life was not going to work out the way that I had originally planned, what is to stop me from living it to the best of my ability?

I decided to not finish the second degree and instead dedicate the money and time that I would have spent for the extra schooling to living: traveling to places that I had never been and spending the time that I had with family and friends, and working on my portfolio in order to apply for art jobs later. This included going to Disneyland with friends and riding both rollercoasters and a ferris wheel, which I had never before done due to fear. In our lives, fear is not new. It prevents us from having the joyful life that our Father wants us to have. If we listen to it, fear escalates and weakens us. When I travel to a new place or do something different, the anxiety I have does not leave, but the courage that I have becomes stronger because it destroys fear's bonds. When we choose to live and disregard the fear that we feel, we start to feel more joy. Sometimes our Father in Heaven does have a specific path for some of His children, but maybe there are many out there like me who are asked that they just choose something worthwhile and then be happy with their circumstances.

At a future time, I may be playing the game "Never have I ever" and only be able to say that I have never ridden a horse, but it is fine because I can at least say that I have lived.

The Ultimate Peace in the Storm

What is peace? How do we obtain it? In John 14:27 Christ says, "Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid." The peace of which He spake refers to the Holy Spirit, which He promised to leave with His disciples when He ascended unto heaven. Therefore, peace comes as we have the companionship of the Holy Spirit. "Not as the world giveth, give I unto you," Jesus says, however. How does the world give peace compared to how our Savior gives peace? Peace by the world's definition comes in the absence of war, the absence of fear, or the absence of any disturbance. Peace from the Savior and the Holy Spirit still exists even when we are surrounded by turmoil or in the midst of war. 

There are two ways that I like to picture true peace: The first is based on a story that I heard about a king that called the great artists in the land and said that he would pay for a painting with the best depiction of peace. The painting that he chose in the end was one that showed a calm mother and baby bird in the middle of a huge storm.

The second way that I like to envision peace is by my experiences of sitting outside in my parent's backyard or in nature. Imagine yourself in this situation; The sun is beaming gently, the shade provides relief from the heat, but a warm breeze is blowing. The leaves are rustling, bees are buzzing, and birds are chirping. There are no sounds of vehicles, trains, or planes. It isn't exactly silent, but it's quiet. It is not what is happening externally that makes the situation peaceful but the warmth that I feel inside. 

Peace or the lack thereof is not influenced by external forces. The storms of life, the turmoils, illness, war and destruction, and surrounding darkness cannot remove the peace that is within our heart and soul. The peace within us comes from our Savior, Jesus Christ, through the Holy Spirit and is lasting. When we remember Him and we keep in mind the eternal perspective, that peace that He promised us will stay with us and no external force can take it from us.

Changing the World one Kumquat at a Time

There is a fruit that many people around here don't know about. It's called the Kumquat. The Kumquat is unusual because it's a citrus-type fruit that can be eaten whole; the peel is sweet and the inside is bitter (and it has great health benefits for its size). When I first tried the Kumquat, which I had found at a store by accident, I absolutely loved it. Over the years, I wanted to share it with other people because I hoped to introduce them to its wonder and delight. It made me happy to see others' reactions to trying it: at first squinting their eyes because of the bitter sourness inside and then widening their eyes in surprise as they realized that the fruit was pleasant overall.

I have been trying ever since that first day of experiencing the Kumquat, myself, to change the world one Kumquat at a time.

My experience of trying the Kumquat and sharing it with my friends, family, and coworkers is similar to my experience of trying the Gospel of Jesus Christ. At times, living His gospel is difficult. If I said that it's been a joyful, easy ride ever since I chose to follow Christ I'd be lying. In complete honesty, just like the Kumquat, there is a bitterness in following Him in this mortal life: walking alone most days, unpopularity, and difficult trials, to name a few of the challenges. However, despite that bitterness, there is a delightful and pleasant sweetness that accompanies the bitterness: peace, deeper love, joy, and small day-to-day miracles.

If this fruit that I enjoy so much did not have the bitter, it would be like any other fruit. It would be good, but it wouldn't be great. There will always be those moments of bitterness when one chooses to follow Christ, but without the bitter, living the Gospel of Jesus Christ and following Him would only be good, not great. Since the bitter makes the wonder of life all the more sweeter, I will continue to work on changing the world one Kumquat at a time.

No Longer Emotionally Robotic

As the year of 2018 draws to a close and a new year begins, I have contemplated on, not how the entire year has gone but rather, how the last two weeks have passed. As one who loves reading and studying the scriptures, I believed for a long time that one of the major goals in life was to be happy because in them it seemed to be a commandment; Christ told us to have joy, didn't He? Well, yes, but I think that He meant to have joy in the long run, not necessarily that we cannot experience other emotions such as anger, hurt, and sadness.
For years I pretended to be emotionally strong. If I was angry, I'd meditate, exercise, or play fighting video games until my anger subsided. If I was sad or hurt, I'd turn my attention elsewhere or push my emotions away so that I could avoid those feelings. I became, at times, almost robotic. The past two weeks, however, taught me differently. After several weeks of working extra, cleaning up after people, and constantly having something that I needed to do, I was both emotionally and physically exhausted. The final Friday of the year found me returning to my apartment, where I stayed in my room and cried. After the constant pressures of those last weeks, I did not fight the tears. On Saturday morning, not long after waking up, I discovered that a dear friend had committed suicide. Was I to ignore my emotions then as I had five years ago when I lost two other friends to death? No. I needed to cry and so I cried that weekend. Is it wrong for me to feel hurt and depressed because of my loss? No. We may be here to have joy and to trust in our Savior to free us from the pains that we have to experience, but Jesus himself shed tears when He was told that His friend Lazarus had died. He separated Himself from others when He received news that His cousin, John, had been killed. The truth is that it is okay to be angry, sad, fearful, anxious, etc. because it is a part of life to feel those feelings. My roommate has a dish towel that says, "It's okay to have a meltdown" and I've learned that it's okay every once in a while as long as we don't let ourselves stay there.
What pulled me out of the sadness that I was experiencing is that I remembered that there is plenty to be happy about. As long as there is still good in the world, we have no need to remain sad, angry, etc. for long. We can smile and laugh, knowing that all of our darkest days will see the light once more.

A Change in Paths

One of the decisions we make in life is which path to follow and what we do with the time that we have. I once had my life planned out; I had fantastic dreams that I wanted to fulfill and extraordinary goals that I wanted to accomplish. I thought that there was nothing in the world that could stop me from becoming what I wanted to be and from doing what I wanted to do. I wanted to one day be a singer, a dancer, an artist, a mother, and probably another half dozen titles that I can no longer remember. I had my life all figured out, and then one day I realized that our plans do not always go as we originally planned. Each time that I tried something new or attempted to work toward my dreams I had people that would tell me that I wasn't good enough to draw, or I would offend someone I cared about because I was told that I sang well. That wasn't who I wanted to be: I didn't want to constantly fail or be a burden to others. As I progressed through life I felt that I was running into new bends in my road that was leading me toward a future completely different than what I had originally planned. I continued in the arts and obtained a bachelor's degree, but I ended up in business instead. I had thought to return home from serving a mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and get married, but the right opportunity didn't come as I had wished. I had hoped to achieve a standing in the world where I could make a difference and do more of what I love to do, and yet, I am still wandering through life unsure about what I will do with my future and what I truly want. The absolute truth is that some days I feel lost because every path that I start walking on leads to a dead end, and some days it seems that I am running out of paths to choose.

I have been learning recently, however, that the bends or forks in the path do not mean that we are not on the right path. I think, rather, that 1) it does not matter which path we take so long as we are happy with our decision and discovering true joy or 2) the many paths that we take due to forks or bends in the road and changes in direction will ultimately lead us to walk the actual path we are to take. So do we give up and sit down on some log on the side of the road because we are still not reaching the destination for which we started? Do we start walking backward, hoping that we can return to the beginning of our journey? We cannot return to the beginning, unfortunately, and sitting down would mean that we relinquish the remainder of our journey. Why not instead, then, keep walking and enjoy the journey? I was reminded earlier today of a talk by Dieter F. Uchtdorf, in which he shared about how he and his wife love to ride bicycles and whenever he feels competitive, she reminds him, “Dieter, it’s not a race; it’s a journey. Enjoy the moment” (Of Regrets and Resolutions, October 2012). 
Sometimes it is difficult to enjoy the moments that make up our journey, but as we move forward on our path and accept whatever changes, obstacles, and bends along the way, we will realize that perhaps we were on the right path the entire time. Maybe I needed to keep running into dead ends and walk the crazy road that I've been on so that I could learn to enjoy the journey more, rather than progress directly toward the end destination.

There will be times in our lives when we feel lost on our journey because our path choices seem to become limited, but if that is the case, we can at least take comfort in the knowledge that we may find the path that we need to be on and want to be on eventually.

Starvation to Satiation

I was reading a passage from C.S. Lewis from "Man or Rabbit?" in God in the Dock that I found insightful. C.S. Lewis wrote "Suppose you found a man on the point of starvation and wanted to do the right thing. If you had no knowledge of medical science, you would probably give him a large solid meal; and as a result your man would die."
How many times do we see someone starving in one way or another, whether it is physically, emotionally, or even spiritually and we want to help them out by doing all that we can? Sometimes we might even start pouring extra care and friendship, or great amounts of knowledge upon them. This isn't a bad thing to do, but in the case of the emotional flooding of kindness and love, after a while we might stop putting forth the same amount of effort and the individual will go back to the same state that they were before we found them. In the case of the spiritual, which perspective I understand clearly having served a mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, a good Christian wants to share the Gospel of Jesus Christ with others. However, trying to give a constant flow of spiritual information to another person that hasn't experienced the Gospel on a daily basis might do the opposite of what we would like. Just as giving a huge solid meal to a person that's starving will most likely kill the individual, shoving all of the spiritual knowledge that we have onto someone else can push that individual away. Unfortunately, I have seen or heard of individuals that are firm in their faith and enthusiastic give someone else the solutions to all of life's problems at once, whether or not that person would like their problems solved immediately. The Gospel does change people. Christ changes people. I personally believe that we do need Him in our lives and that following His commandments will help us to improve our lives, but in many situations people need smaller meals after they've been starved for some time, maybe even snacks or a liquid diet to start out with so that their physical or spiritual bodies won't be overwhelmed with nourishment.

When I Was Given a Sledgehammer

A change of events without notice gives me anxiety. With this information we set the preface for my experience about humility and receiving answers to prayers.
I walked into church today with the intent of going directly to our Teaching for our Times class and assumed it to be in the same classroom where we have met every second Sunday for the past several months. I waited outside of the classroom because no one else had yet showed up. 8 minutes passed and finally someone else showed up, but still we had no one present from the Sunday School presidency. 15 minutes passed and two more people showed up so we set up the classroom, but there was still no one from the Sunday School presidency. They hadn't told us to meet in a different classroom and we hadn't been advised that the meeting was cancelled so where were they?
After 25 minutes, the secretary entered the room and notified us that the room had been changed to the other side of the building and downstairs. Really? I thought. I have been feeling anxious for the past half an hour to find out that the location had been changed and that it had only been announced in Relief Society and Elders' Quorum? We all followed the secretary and I was disgruntled. Actually, I felt a little more on the angry side of the emotional spectrum.
"I wish I had a sledgehammer," I said out loud as we were walking down the stairs. I was asked why and my natural response was that I like to break things when I am angry (not that I ever do, though). I doubt anyone took me seriously but truly I just wanted to leave the building at that point even though it was due only to a silly miscommunication. The Lord probably knew that I needed a little dose of humility but wanted me to know that He always listens because when we entered the room and had all sat down, I was asked to say the opening prayer. I was given a sledgehammer, or at least what I felt was the top portion of a sledgehammer. It wouldn't do any damage because without the post on a sledgehammer it is more difficult to achieve the needed momentum to do any harm. However, that portion given to me was just heavy enough to humble me and to realize that I needed to let the burden go.
Doctrine and Covenants section 19, verse 20 states, "Wherefore, I command you again to repent, lest I humble you with my almighty power; and that you confess your sins, lest you suffer those punishments of which I have spoken, of which in the smallest, yea, even in the least degree you have tasted at the time I withdrew my Spirit."
Luckily I didn't put myself into a position of spiritual rebellion to the extent that I would have to pass through a more humbling experience, but I feel that receiving that spiritual sledgehammer was the Lord's way of helping me become more humble. What were my choices in that moment of being asked to say the prayer? "I can't say the prayer. I don't want to be here and I am frustrated with all of you" or "Father, please take this anger away." The second option took more effort, but it was a better option and an experience I needed. I am grateful for the spiritual sledgehammer that I was given; it was a sledgehammer to be used not on a wall or solid surface but rather to be used on myself so that I would soften my heart.   

Our Living House

I will not be defeated. Hell rages against me, my friends abandon me, the darkness closes in. I feared and worried that I had no place to go; I broke down again, and then again.
A wall of gloom and dismay, no exiting door or opened window through which I might fly, but pure blackness of night surrounds me and a sense of failure after everything I try.
I can still get up once more to fight for the life that exists out those invisible doors for me. I could weep; I could cry, but I? I will not be defeated.

The past month has been a difficult one for me, with many changes and decisions, and much stress. I felt occasionally that I was at the lowest I could go. I believe that if I hadn't had a testimony of our Savior's power, that He could deliver me from my afflictions and rescue me, I would have been in the utmost despair and wouldn't have been able to handle my situations as well. A few things pulled me out of the gloom: That testimony of Jesus Christ and that my adversity would not last, a blessing (see lds.org for more information on the topic), seeing that I was needed, and finally, laughter.

Could anyone really imagine it, that I, a young woman who lacks confidence and is easy to ignore, could ever influence anyone? I thought that I could leave my current situations and few would miss me, but then as I had the opportunity to look up into the faces of my fellow employees, ranging from ages 16 to 40-something, I looked into the eyes of one of the younger employees and realized, "This is why I am here. For him." Perhaps only the single young individual needs my help and friendship at this time, but it is still someone. Later, over the next couple of days I found reasons to laugh, which truly is like medicine, healing and uplifting us.

During the process of being pulled out of my dark struggles, I was reminded about the Provo City Tabernacle and about these words shared in a talk by Linda S. Reeves:

"Almost three years ago a devastating fire gutted the interior of the beloved, historic tabernacle in Provo, Utah. Its loss was deemed a great tragedy by both the community and Church members. Many wondered, “Why did the Lord let this happen? Surely He could have prevented the fire or stopped its destruction.
Ten months later, during the October 2011 general conference, there was an audible gasp when President Thomas S. Monson announced that the nearly destroyed tabernacle was to become a holy temple—a house of the Lord! Suddenly we could see what the Lord had always known! He didn’t cause the fire, but He allowed the fire to strip away the interior. He saw the tabernacle as a magnificent temple—a permanent home for making sacred, eternal covenants.
My dear sisters, the Lord allows us to be tried and tested, sometimes to our maximum capacity. We have seen the lives of loved ones—and maybe our own—figuratively burned to the ground and have wondered why a loving and caring Heavenly Father would allow such things to happen. But He does not leave us in the ashes; He stands with open arms, eagerly inviting us to come to Him. He is building our lives into magnificent temples where His Spirit can dwell eternally."

This reminds me also of something that C.S. Lewis said:

"Imagine yourself as a living house. God comes in to rebuild that house. At first, perhaps, you can understand what He is doing. He is getting the drains right and stopping the leaks in the roof and so on; you knew that those jobs needed doing and so you are not surprised. But presently He starts knocking the house about in a way that hurts abominably and does not seem to make any sense. What on earth is He up to? The explanation is that He is building quite a different house from the one you thought of - throwing out a new wing here, putting on an extra floor there, running up towers, making courtyards. You thought you were being made into a decent little cottage: but He is building a palace. He intends to come and live in it Himself.”

Dark days truly will fade away and the light will rise over the peaks again. We can and will be freed from any struggle we may face. Sometimes we will have to walk through the ominous forests on paths that lead to places we cannot see. Despite this, however, there are better days ahead. Trust in the Savior, know that He loves you, understand that there are people who need your help, and laugh often. 

Stronger

Mistakes. We tend to make many as mortal beings. Weakness. I feel that I am almost always weak to some degree, whether physically, emotionally, or spiritually. All of us pass through trials and sometimes our weaknesses make the trial even more difficult. For me, the harder I try to avoid making mistakes the more I make, and regardless of how much more I do than those around me and how much good I've done, my mistakes and weaknesses seem to define me. Why are weaknesses so evident in each of us?
Heavenly Father taught us that "I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them" (Ether 12:27).  As we go from day to day, enduring the pains and exhaustions we are wont to experience, we may not see at first any purpose for being humbled and worn down. I unfortunately had a negative perspective today as I was continually being pushed to my limits and a little beyond all throughout the day. As I questioned why it must be so and pleaded in prayer for my load to be eased, the burden didn't change; it remained completely the same. However, I changed. My attitude changed as my muscles continued to have the strength they needed to endure, and Heavenly Father sent me both peace and a lesson. I was reminded of a story I heard once about a man that God came to. God asked the man to move a large boulder, and the man started pushing the boulder. Day after day the man returned to the boulder and pushed on it from sunrise to sunset. Finally after some time, God revisited the man to check the progress. The man asked God, "You wanted me to move the boulder, but after so long it's not budging. Why did you give me such an impossible task?" God responded, "Look at your shoulders, arms, and legs." The man's arms and legs had increased in strength.
Although the task at hand seems impossible, especially when we are repeating the same actions and yeilding little result, Heavenly Father has a plan for us. Right now, I don't know the reasons for being pushed beyond my limit each week and for being tried exceedingly. What I do know is that as I've continued, I've been made stronger than I ever realized possible.

"He got a bigger piece!"

In the Book of Mormon, Mosiah, and chapter 10 verse 13, an Ancient American leader wrote about the wars and contentions between his people, the Nephites, and their enemies, the Lamanites. The verse describes why the Lamanites were angry with the Nephites:
"And again, that they were wronged while in the land of their first inheritance, after they had crossed the sea, and all this because that Nephi was more faithful in keeping the commandments of the Lord- therefore he was favored of the Lord, for the Lord heard his prayers and answered them, and he took the lead of their journey in the wilderness."
While considering this scripture I thought of two explanations for this verse. The first explanation is that the narrator, Mormon, wanted to describe that the Lamanites were angry and felt that they had been wronged, but really the Lamanites had not been wronged but disobedient. The second explanation for the verse is best described through the experience of parenthood or leadership, and the whining cry of "He got a bigger piece!"
If one day your child begins to throw things, yell and scream, and punch their siblings, would you love him any differently than the rest of your children? No (At least you shouldn't). When it came to dessert time and everyone was seated around the table, would you intentionally give your misbehaved child a much smaller slice than the rest of your children? Probably not. However, will that child enjoy the cake you spent time making as much as everyone else? It's not that their slice is any different, but their attitude is different. So it was with Laman and Lemuel in the earlier portion of the Book of Mormon. They hadn't received anything different than Nephi and Sam, but they received visions from the Lord, visits from angels, they saw miracles, and they were taught by their father how to have faith and keep the commandments. They received the same exact blessings from the Lord, but they rejected those blessings and rebelled against the Lord. Our Heavenly Father loves each of us the same. We may receive different blessings because we are all unique individuals, but we are promised the same reward in the end. How much we will enjoy the blessings that come from our Father depends on us alone.