A Personal Demon: Social Anxiety

Recently, I realized that I need to share about one of my most persistent personal demons because people need to understand that those suffering with any mental disorder are still normal. Those that have depression do try to get out of their depression; those with anxiety don't always sit down and cry out "Woe is me!" Depression, Anxiety, Schizophrenia, Bipolar, Obsessive Compulsive, and similar disorders or mental illnesses do not define us as individuals, but rather they are trials given to us to help us trust in some greater plan.
I have Social Anxiety. Coworkers, friends, my boss, and my neighbors think that I am sometimes shy but can be friendly and outgoing. I am both, of course, but most of the time I act and put on the costume of a different character around others. I talk to strangers, usually listen with a passive face when someone is angry with me, and I act as though I'm having fun in groups of people, but the truth is that within I'm struggling.
Social Anxiety's characteristics can vary among people. Some cannot deal easily with large groups of people, while others may feel fine in groups but panicked when one-on-one. Some have trouble with giving speeches even though they can perform in front of others, while some feel comfortable giving speeches or talks but fear being called on the spot. Regardless of the occasion, the symptoms of social anxiety are similar: increased pace in heart rate, difficulty breathing, clenched stomach, lightheaded, shaking, and more worrying. Often the anxiety leads to panic attacks or a form of depression.
I share some things from the perspective of one who suffers from this trial:
1) First, it might surprise you, but I'm not always shy. I can talk to others easily and at the time appear calm and outgoing. Most of the time I am fine in the moment, but later I will tremble and be nervous about the situation although it already happened.
2) When I know that someone is angry with me, I will fear any sort of encounter with them. I constantly worry, and upon encounter I feel defeated and hated. I know that the other person doesn't hate me, really, but my mind says that they do. If said person yells at me or raises their voice, I struggle to forgive them for several days.
3) When I'm in the clutches of anxiety, I don't want to be around others. One friend is fine, but two is too many.
4) In addition, I prefer corners and small spaces when anxiety hits. For me, although some may think it's a childish habit, in those moments I grab a blanket and a stuffed animal because it provides some security.
5) I appear to be disinterested when talking to another individual, but actually I am listening carefully. I don't really like drawing attention to myself by talking so to avoid getting nervous, I tend to shut down my emotions.
6) Don't embarrass me if you can help it. I understand that everyone likes to tease and I do it too, but sometimes it's inappropriate. When I am constantly teased I feel bullied.
7) Anxiety from social circumstances builds until I can no longer handle situations and I break down. By the end of a week filled with uncomfortable social situations comprised of embarrassment, getting in trouble, and high self-expectations, I cannot handle things perfectly.
8) I'm a perfectionist. I despise making mistakes of any sort and almost always know when I make one. I don't have to be told because I'm self-critical to the extreme. I feel like I have to act perfectly in public to be accepted, and this places great amounts of pressure on me.
9) I don't like being in traffic because I feel trapped.

Even though it's difficult having a disorder or a mental illness of any sort, people don't have to walk on "eggshells" around those that struggle. The purpose of sharing about my personal demon is not to tell others to be careful and stay back, but to let others know that those with disorders lack complete control over them. Some will say that disorders of any type are just like any physical illness in which we can intake good nutrients, exercise, take medication, and feel better. Rather, emotional and mental disorders are like cancer. All of those things can be done to feel better, and they will help, but it will not be completely taken away. Even when we push through the symptoms each day and fight against the disorders, eventually we'll have to deal with those symptoms again.
That's where it is necessary to have a root or something to be grounded into. For me, it's the gospel of Jesus Christ. Trusting in Him and the Father's plan keeps me secure. Because of what I believe, I know I have someone to talk to that understands and can help me through this difficult trial. To all who do suffer through any disorder, I plead for you to not give up. Trust in God and one day you will be made whole.

Converted Completely

In Alma it is written that Aaron and his brethren taught the Lamanites, which had believed in the traditions of their fathers and hated the Nephites for many hundreds of years. It says that as a result of Aaron's teachings, " And now it came to pass that when the king had sent forth this proclamation, that Aaron and his brethren went forth from city to city, and from one house of worship to another, establishing churches, and consecrating priests and teachers throughout the land among the Lamanites, to preach and to teach the word of God among them; and thus they began to have great success. 5 And thousands were brought to the knowledge of the Lord, yea, thousands were brought to believe in the traditions of the Nephites; and they were taught the records and prophecies which were handed down even to the present time. 6 And as sure as the Lord liveth, so sure as many as believed, or as many as were brought to the knowledge of the truth, through the preaching of Ammon and his brethren, according to the spirit of revelation and of prophecy, and the power of God working miracles in them—yea, I say unto you, as the Lord liveth, as many of the Lamanites as believed in their preaching, and were converted unto the Lord, never did fall away. 7 For they became a righteous people; they did lay down the weapons of their rebellion, that they did not fight against God any more, neither against any of their brethren." It is interesting that these Lamanites that had much darkness in their lives since birth should become strongly converted unto the Lord that they never did fall away. On the other hand, various times in the scriptures there are accounts of Nephite dissenters, people who had grown up learning about God and Christ, and partaking of the gospel. Why? As born-into-the-church members, we tend to become too comfortable and many follow after the "traditions of their fathers" rather than seeking for the truth to gain a personal testimony and become converted. Converts sought to know for themselves of truth, and as such became converted. While unfortunately not all converts stay active, those of the Lamanites did because they worked together to strengthen one another and made covenants as one body of Saints. They realized that they could not break covenants without affecting everyone. It is our responsibility to learn and know for ourselves. We've been promised that as we ask with real intent an answer will be given, and this promise is real.

Forgiveness and Change

I traveled to Salt Lake City this weekend for a temple sealing of one of my friends to her husband. The journey was relaxing and I could look at the scenery as I rode on the front runner. I enjoyed Salt Lake City as I was there, especially my time on temple square, and the experience I had inside of the temple strengthened my testimony that families can live eternally together.
However, my time there was also bitter-sweet in that it reminded me of the painful process of forgiveness. I thought about those rare occasions when someone takes something extremely precious away from you, as had happened once to my friend, but which helps us human beings to understand better the repentance process and to know about God's great merciful plan for us. I considered the pain I felt upon being rejected by someone I thought was a friend a couple of years ago and took a long time to forgive. Finally, I was reminded about a more recent experience in which another friend had made plans with me and others, but he ditched us at the last moment in order to spend time with a girl that probably wouldn't have done the same for him. With this and similar experiences over the course of several weeks, I had to relinquish all of the anger within me and forgive quickly so as to not hurt our friendship. Forgiving is difficult, but the peace that comes from doing it is greater than any pain that we may have felt. We are taught, "And ye shall also forgive one another your trespasses; for verily I say unto you, he that forgiveth not his neighbor's trespasses when he says that he repents, the same hath brought himself under condemnation (Book of Mormon, Mosiah 26:31)." Also, in the same book of scripture, and in the gospel of Matthew, Christ tells us, "For, if ye forgive men their trespasses your heavenly Father will also forgive you;
But if ye forgive not men their trespasses neither will your Father forgive your trespasses." Why is it important for us to forgive and repent, though? We should be able to live our lives as we want, offend others freely, and allow our pride to rule us, right? Actually, repenting and forgiving are means of healing. When we repent we are allowing God to help us change our nature to align with His will and to heal us from all hurt, frustration, mistakes, and low-living. When we forgive we are letting love enter our hearts, replacing any enmity we feel toward another person. Repenting and forgiving are refining actions. I have in a small notebook I carry with me a note that refers to a parable about a carpenter and wood. I did not write down exactly what the parable was, but I believe it is something like this:
A man, fit to be king in this world because he was one of the great and noble spirits of the spirit world, was given his choice of occupations by God. The man chose to be a carpenter, a humble and tiresome type of work, but one that he felt he should do. He was sent to earth and grew up in the most humblest and poor of circumstances, and learned throughout his life the trade of the carpenter. In his adulthood he became a well-known carpenter and his work was endless. Each day he would take the pieces of wood of all shapes, sizes, and types, and he would carve and smooth and fashion the pieces into beautiful objects, each with a purpose and a use.
The man in the parable is our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. He takes each one of us and fashions us into something wonderful, chipping and carving away at us. When our pride and follies get into the way of our progression, Christ allows us to stumble, and then it is up to us to either repent of our own weaknesses or to forgive others for their weaknesses. We are to change and to improve, but we cannot fully do that if we will harden our hearts.    

"Mi papi"

Last night while working with the ushers, one of them that had served a LDS mission in Mexico began to speak in Spanish. He used phrases that he had often heard in Mexico, and one of these phrases was "Papi, mi papi," which translates to a little child saying "daddy, daddy" and trying to get his father's attention.
This morning my thoughts were drawn to my own father. Being a manager at a theater has taught me valuable lessons and has strengthened me in various ways. I have learned to have more confidence, to speak up in front of large groups to notify them about minor issues that we are working on, and to lead more by example. However, perhaps one of the greatest things I have learned is to appreciate my dad. Over several months of learning more about other managers, I have noticed that the general manager occasionally comes in and tells us about how he missed an activity he was to do with his son, or sometimes he comes in on a day he isn't working and spends time in his office when he probably should be spending time with his family.
My dad had to be out of town many times for work throughout my life, but he would be present for our achievements or for our competitions. He and my mom would take us camping where we would spend three days to a week of family time together. He was around to teach me life skills such as repairing drains, broken-down machines, fixing parts of the car, gardening, and bits of carpentry and metal and duct-work. He taught me how to play baseball, how to golf, how to shoot and aim a gun, and how to fish. He showed me how to work hard, to keep going even if I got hurt, and to stay silent when complaining was perhaps acceptable. Any experience I've gained from leadership positions and lessons I've learned from great leaders can never top what I've learned at home. I know it is still much early for Father's Day, but it is always necessary, I feel, to let those you love know how much you appreciate them. Dad, I am grateful to have you in my life. I love you, and Happy (early) Father's Day!

The Serpent of Darkness

"If I ever have to work a Sunday morning, I am afraid that I will go inactive. I don't think I could make it because some Sundays it is hard enough to get up." This is what I said several months ago, knowing that even though my testimony was strong I was weak. When I received my schedule on Wednesday I was appalled to see that I had been scheduled Sunday morning. I thought that since I had been scheduled out of my availability all of my coworkers must have asked off the day, and so I calmly accepted my fate and prayed that if I did ever feel like skipping out on church without a good reason that someone would come find me.
Strangely, last night I had an interesting and vivid dream. I was walking up a steep hill and a brown-black serpent crossed my path and continued up the hill. I refused to go near it even although I usually don't mind snakes.
Today I prepared to go to work, waking early as usual in order to give a ride to someone who didn't need a ride after all, I didn't feel good, the other person opening with me was late so I had to do the usual checks, turning on lights, and cash tills. In addition, nothing was really ready in time, the floor staff was being lazy, I had to still unlock several things that my coworker didn't get to, and all this time my frustration increased, especially because I had to miss my ward's sacrament meeting. Finally to top everything, another coworker that I expected to be one of those who couldn't work, came in to watch a movie. I nearly broke down. I had to pass through exhaustion from attempting to do everything, illness from whatever 'bug' entered my system, frustration with the staff, and disappointment for being let down in many ways; I couldn't do it.
So I read. After retiring for a few moments to the office and reading from my Spanish translation of The Book of Mormon the storm calmed. Nothing really changed, the chaos reigned even still in the environment of work, but peace entered within. Why? Because Satan cannot win.
He had known of my weakness, but he didn't know about the strength God had given me to keep going even when times became tough. He found humor and pleasure in throwing bowling ball after bowling ball all throughout the day, but he does not understand well about the armor of God. He knew I was ill, that customers and coworkers are frustrating, but he understands little about giving and seeking forgiveness. In my dream the large snake overtook my path, blocked it the best he could, and remained in the way as a hindrance to a greater goal. However, even though the Great and Awful Serpent attempts to block our path and turn us away from everything that is good, this does not mean that he has to win in the end and he will not win.  

Wearing the Colors of Others

Most of my posts are to uplift and edify, to share experiences and to bear witness of Christ and His marvelous works. In this post, I still plan to share something that will hopefully edify, but at the same time I need to get something out of my system and onto something more tangible. I was deeply affected this past week when a coworker was talking about the numerous disabled employees that we have working (either physical or mental), which at the time was reasonable in context as we were discussing a potential new hire. What affected me was that she brought up two of my good friends in the conversation, both who work at my job location; While one of these two does indeed struggle with a couple of minor disorders, he functions very well in the work environment; The other individual has no known disabilities. I do not wish to go into detail of what this coworker said, and truth be told I blocked out her words after I heard the initial few things she said about my two friends, but her words pierced me. Her words that day affected me in two ways: 1) How often do I say something to another person about someone, and they are words that are unkind or may harm someone listening? 2) What about me?

To the answer of "how often do I say something unkind about another person?" I can only say, I really don't know. Before this past week, I never really paid attention to what I was saying. Of course, I watched what I was saying as to whether I was giving away someone's secrets, using improper language, or lying, but I didn't pay close attention to if I was saying something that would hurt another person. I realize that we can never be too careful about what we are saying around others. Perhaps the individual we are talking about in the moment will never hear what we said, but maybe there is someone nearby that hears and will be affected by our words. Interestingly enough and in connection with this post, that same day the general manager told a group of workers to be careful about what they are saying because he overheard one of our autistic employees (who mimics much of others' words) tell another employee, "I don't think anyone wants you as manager here." Regardless of what we say, there is always someone that listens and will either carry on the message or be hurt by what is said. Please be kind. Please be careful about what you are saying. Please don't hurt my friends. I assume everyone's heard the old adage, "Sticks and Stones may break my bones, but Words will never hurt me." That's very false. The saying should be more like, "Sticks and Stones may break my bones, but Words are daggers to me."

 So what about me? I didn't think about this in the moment because I was hurt about what my coworker had said about my friends, but a day or so later I realized: Hey, she doesn't know this, but I could be included in that group. Sure, the employees she mentioned have OCD, Autism, Asperger's, and physical handicaps to mention a few, but what makes them any different than me? Diagnosis? They're floor staff and I'm a manager? Really? I have some of the same issues as a person with Asperger's, I have slight OCD, I have Social Anxiety, I have trouble talking sometimes and forming my thoughts, I can become too concentrated on something I'm doing that I forget what's going on around me, I have to walk on only brown tiles on slow days at work, I have to use the same broom for my entire shift if I decide to use one. Don't I have those same problems as the "disabled" employees? Too often people tend to categorize others because of one little disorder. A huge portion of people have some type of mental disorder, like depression for example. Does that really place them under the category of being "disabled"? Whether we are old or young, have a disability or disorder or not, are heterosexual or homosexual, are white or Asian, or Latino, or Black, we are all people. Isn't that enough? Will there ever be a time when we will not be categorized or separated? We all need love and help; we need someone to guide us. I don't know about you, but I'm just like the loving, intelligent boy with autism or the kind-hearted, quiet girl with down-syndrome (Only they're more pure and perfect than I am).

Hey, we are all God's children.

Don't give up yet. Get up. Keep Going.

Life. It's stressful and complicated with a new promotion, large projects, trying to graduate, a new calling in church, new responsibilities, health challenges, dating, and any other things that daily come my way. I've fallen, dropped a pot of food down the sink accidentally, and failed to save an animation clip that took 35 minutes to render. I've almost lost hope occasionally, but I've never stopped moving. I would love for someone every now and then, or even just one friend, to tell me to not give up, to keep going because brighter days are ahead. I don't have many people that tell me that. I tell that to other people. I have some pride that keeps me going but other than that I don't have much interior motivation. So why do I keep going? I should just give up, shouldn't I? My answer to that is NO. There's no hope in myself or in other human beings, but there is hope. I have hope in my Savior, Jesus Christ, for better and brighter days ahead. When I want to give up then I hear a small whisper speaking to me saying, "Don't give up yet. Get up. Keep going." When I'm feeling ill, weak, and tired, often with some pain involved either physically or emotionally, and I would like to remain stationary, then I think, 'Come on. You're strong. You can do it.' That's what keeps me going. Life is not a detached boxcar, meant to be stationary and alone. It is not a full train simply creeping along the track. It is to be lived like a train engine, with full speed so as to make it up any hill ahead. When life gets too complicated and hope seems to fade, put your hope in a new source, one that is stronger and more firm. You can keep moving on the track of life, but the more fuel you have the easier life gets. That fuel is Christ. I was reminded of something I'd always say: "When someone beats you down, don't give up. Prove them wrong and beat them up." However, I don't condone violence so that saying is obsolete. Now I change it: "When life gets you down, don't give in. Prove your doubts wrong and lift up your chin."

Blessings in the Lord

Within the last month particularly it seems that blessings have been continuously poured out upon me and my prayers have been answered. Although I've been extremely busy with trying to finish the semester at school, including polishing a senior project and thesis, and moving, receiving a job promotion, and several other events that have made life stressful, I decided from the start of last year that I would do my best to put God first. I decided to attend the temple toward the beginning of each week because I knew that if I put forth the effort the Lord would help me complete everything I needed to do, and He has. However, I never originally realized that by putting Him first that I'd also become closer to Him, uprooting my desire to do any form of evil and increasing my faith in Him. One of the greatest lessons I've learned recently is a witness to the phrase that as we put God and His kingdom first everything will either fall into place or fall out of our lives. With the witness of this principle I've received a greater peace and happiness in my life. I used to worry constantly about past, present, and future, but now I take what I need to learn from the past, live in the present, and look with joy and faith to the future. My confidence has increased, my attitude is more positive, and my understanding has been quickened. In regard to my prayers being answered, even the smallest desires of my heart have been granted such as an extra measure of protection, that I'd be able to see a friend I haven't seen for a while, or that I'd finally receive a calling. I testify that as we put God first, as we do our best to know our Heavenly Father and emulate the Savior's example, and prepare and go to the temple of the Lord, we will have blessings poured out upon us without measure. Our Heavenly Father loves us and wants us to draw near unto Him.

The Burden of Atlas

I turn off the phone, the conversation finally finished for the night, and feel a huge burden upon me. It is the same feeling as two weeks ago when I was thinking about the wickedness of the world and how it almost seemed as if there was no hope for any change for the better. I felt like crying, the sorrow was great, but no tears came to my eyes; I felt despair. I knelt down as I did then two weeks ago and plead for relief because I didn't know what to do to fix the situation. Within moments of praying I felt peace fill me and had the reassurance that all would be fine; My Heavenly Father had not deserted me and He would help me through the burden. He knew what to do to resolve the situation, but He wanted me to have experience in resolving it first and in being an instrument in His hands. My burden was not taken away; It remained the same size, weight, and capacity. However, the burden was lightened, or rather, I was given strength to bear it. A similar experience had happened to the people of Alma in Book of Mormon times/Ancient America times:

“And it came to pass that so great were their afflictions that they [the people of Alma] began to cry mightily to God.

“And Amulon commanded them that they should stop their cries; and he put guards over them to watch them, that whosoever should be found calling upon God should be put to death.

“And Alma and his people did not raise their voices to the Lord their God, but did pour out their hearts to him; and he did know the thoughts of their hearts.”

“And it came to pass that the voice of the Lord came to them in their afflictions, saying: Lift up your heads and be of good comfort, for I know of the covenant which ye have made unto me; and I will covenant with my people and deliver them out of bondage.

“And I will also ease the burdens which are put upon your shoulders, that even you cannot feel them upon your backs, even while you are in bondage; and this will I do that ye may stand as witnesses for me hereafter, and that ye may know of a surety that I, the Lord God, do visit my people in their afflictions.

“And now it came to pass that the burdens which were laid upon Alma and his brethren were made light; yea, the Lord did strengthen them that they could bear up their burdens with ease, and they did submit cheerfully and with patience to all the will of the Lord” (Mosiah 24:10-15).
The Lord does strengthen us in our burdens as we turn to Him, as I have witnessed especially in these past couple of weeks.

Empty Canvases

Between watching a short video on a project the artist Miranda July did about strangers (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mg6jyXyK3kU) and reading a blog post called "Tell Me Your Story" (http://www.russhillmedia.com/2013/04/17/tell-me-your-story/), I began to think about how each of us human beings can be compared to art. Why's that? you may ask. I thought of it as this: Each of us are born a completely blank canvas, although we each have unique characteristics; We may be a white canvas, maybe burlap, perhaps silk or linen, but we are blank. As we go through life we pick up other traits including marks, colorful splashes, writing, and various brush strokes. We may get bumped a bit, maybe worn at the edges, dusty, torn a bit, or scratched. However, each of us becomes something that can be appreciated, and each of us has our own story. Not everyone in the world will get the chance to see us, and even fewer individuals will have the chance to hear and understand our story, but those that do will appreciate us even more. We've all heard, I presume, the saying "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder." We can see the beauty of other individuals as we come to know their stories and what it took to make their current "art". Our worth does not come from how others view us, but rather it comes from the process that formed us.