No Longer Emotionally Robotic

As the year of 2018 draws to a close and a new year begins, I have contemplated on, not how the entire year has gone but rather, how the last two weeks have passed. As one who loves reading and studying the scriptures, I believed for a long time that one of the major goals in life was to be happy because in them it seemed to be a commandment; Christ told us to have joy, didn't He? Well, yes, but I think that He meant to have joy in the long run, not necessarily that we cannot experience other emotions such as anger, hurt, and sadness.
For years I pretended to be emotionally strong. If I was angry, I'd meditate, exercise, or play fighting video games until my anger subsided. If I was sad or hurt, I'd turn my attention elsewhere or push my emotions away so that I could avoid those feelings. I became, at times, almost robotic. The past two weeks, however, taught me differently. After several weeks of working extra, cleaning up after people, and constantly having something that I needed to do, I was both emotionally and physically exhausted. The final Friday of the year found me returning to my apartment, where I stayed in my room and cried. After the constant pressures of those last weeks, I did not fight the tears. On Saturday morning, not long after waking up, I discovered that a dear friend had committed suicide. Was I to ignore my emotions then as I had five years ago when I lost two other friends to death? No. I needed to cry and so I cried that weekend. Is it wrong for me to feel hurt and depressed because of my loss? No. We may be here to have joy and to trust in our Savior to free us from the pains that we have to experience, but Jesus himself shed tears when He was told that His friend Lazarus had died. He separated Himself from others when He received news that His cousin, John, had been killed. The truth is that it is okay to be angry, sad, fearful, anxious, etc. because it is a part of life to feel those feelings. My roommate has a dish towel that says, "It's okay to have a meltdown" and I've learned that it's okay every once in a while as long as we don't let ourselves stay there.
What pulled me out of the sadness that I was experiencing is that I remembered that there is plenty to be happy about. As long as there is still good in the world, we have no need to remain sad, angry, etc. for long. We can smile and laugh, knowing that all of our darkest days will see the light once more.

A Change in Paths

One of the decisions we make in life is which path to follow and what we do with the time that we have. I once had my life planned out; I had fantastic dreams that I wanted to fulfill and extraordinary goals that I wanted to accomplish. I thought that there was nothing in the world that could stop me from becoming what I wanted to be and from doing what I wanted to do. I wanted to one day be a singer, a dancer, an artist, a mother, and probably another half dozen titles that I can no longer remember. I had my life all figured out, and then one day I realized that our plans do not always go as we originally planned. Each time that I tried something new or attempted to work toward my dreams I had people that would tell me that I wasn't good enough to draw, or I would offend someone I cared about because I was told that I sang well. That wasn't who I wanted to be: I didn't want to constantly fail or be a burden to others. As I progressed through life I felt that I was running into new bends in my road that was leading me toward a future completely different than what I had originally planned. I continued in the arts and obtained a bachelor's degree, but I ended up in business instead. I had thought to return home from serving a mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and get married, but the right opportunity didn't come as I had wished. I had hoped to achieve a standing in the world where I could make a difference and do more of what I love to do, and yet, I am still wandering through life unsure about what I will do with my future and what I truly want. The absolute truth is that some days I feel lost because every path that I start walking on leads to a dead end, and some days it seems that I am running out of paths to choose.

I have been learning recently, however, that the bends or forks in the path do not mean that we are not on the right path. I think, rather, that 1) it does not matter which path we take so long as we are happy with our decision and discovering true joy or 2) the many paths that we take due to forks or bends in the road and changes in direction will ultimately lead us to walk the actual path we are to take. So do we give up and sit down on some log on the side of the road because we are still not reaching the destination for which we started? Do we start walking backward, hoping that we can return to the beginning of our journey? We cannot return to the beginning, unfortunately, and sitting down would mean that we relinquish the remainder of our journey. Why not instead, then, keep walking and enjoy the journey? I was reminded earlier today of a talk by Dieter F. Uchtdorf, in which he shared about how he and his wife love to ride bicycles and whenever he feels competitive, she reminds him, “Dieter, it’s not a race; it’s a journey. Enjoy the moment” (Of Regrets and Resolutions, October 2012). 
Sometimes it is difficult to enjoy the moments that make up our journey, but as we move forward on our path and accept whatever changes, obstacles, and bends along the way, we will realize that perhaps we were on the right path the entire time. Maybe I needed to keep running into dead ends and walk the crazy road that I've been on so that I could learn to enjoy the journey more, rather than progress directly toward the end destination.

There will be times in our lives when we feel lost on our journey because our path choices seem to become limited, but if that is the case, we can at least take comfort in the knowledge that we may find the path that we need to be on and want to be on eventually.

Starvation to Satiation

I was reading a passage from C.S. Lewis from "Man or Rabbit?" in God in the Dock that I found insightful. C.S. Lewis wrote "Suppose you found a man on the point of starvation and wanted to do the right thing. If you had no knowledge of medical science, you would probably give him a large solid meal; and as a result your man would die."
How many times do we see someone starving in one way or another, whether it is physically, emotionally, or even spiritually and we want to help them out by doing all that we can? Sometimes we might even start pouring extra care and friendship, or great amounts of knowledge upon them. This isn't a bad thing to do, but in the case of the emotional flooding of kindness and love, after a while we might stop putting forth the same amount of effort and the individual will go back to the same state that they were before we found them. In the case of the spiritual, which perspective I understand clearly having served a mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, a good Christian wants to share the Gospel of Jesus Christ with others. However, trying to give a constant flow of spiritual information to another person that hasn't experienced the Gospel on a daily basis might do the opposite of what we would like. Just as giving a huge solid meal to a person that's starving will most likely kill the individual, shoving all of the spiritual knowledge that we have onto someone else can push that individual away. Unfortunately, I have seen or heard of individuals that are firm in their faith and enthusiastic give someone else the solutions to all of life's problems at once, whether or not that person would like their problems solved immediately. The Gospel does change people. Christ changes people. I personally believe that we do need Him in our lives and that following His commandments will help us to improve our lives, but in many situations people need smaller meals after they've been starved for some time, maybe even snacks or a liquid diet to start out with so that their physical or spiritual bodies won't be overwhelmed with nourishment.

When I Was Given a Sledgehammer

A change of events without notice gives me anxiety. With this information we set the preface for my experience about humility and receiving answers to prayers.
I walked into church today with the intent of going directly to our Teaching for our Times class and assumed it to be in the same classroom where we have met every second Sunday for the past several months. I waited outside of the classroom because no one else had yet showed up. 8 minutes passed and finally someone else showed up, but still we had no one present from the Sunday School presidency. 15 minutes passed and two more people showed up so we set up the classroom, but there was still no one from the Sunday School presidency. They hadn't told us to meet in a different classroom and we hadn't been advised that the meeting was cancelled so where were they?
After 25 minutes, the secretary entered the room and notified us that the room had been changed to the other side of the building and downstairs. Really? I thought. I have been feeling anxious for the past half an hour to find out that the location had been changed and that it had only been announced in Relief Society and Elders' Quorum? We all followed the secretary and I was disgruntled. Actually, I felt a little more on the angry side of the emotional spectrum.
"I wish I had a sledgehammer," I said out loud as we were walking down the stairs. I was asked why and my natural response was that I like to break things when I am angry (not that I ever do, though). I doubt anyone took me seriously but truly I just wanted to leave the building at that point even though it was due only to a silly miscommunication. The Lord probably knew that I needed a little dose of humility but wanted me to know that He always listens because when we entered the room and had all sat down, I was asked to say the opening prayer. I was given a sledgehammer, or at least what I felt was the top portion of a sledgehammer. It wouldn't do any damage because without the post on a sledgehammer it is more difficult to achieve the needed momentum to do any harm. However, that portion given to me was just heavy enough to humble me and to realize that I needed to let the burden go.
Doctrine and Covenants section 19, verse 20 states, "Wherefore, I command you again to repent, lest I humble you with my almighty power; and that you confess your sins, lest you suffer those punishments of which I have spoken, of which in the smallest, yea, even in the least degree you have tasted at the time I withdrew my Spirit."
Luckily I didn't put myself into a position of spiritual rebellion to the extent that I would have to pass through a more humbling experience, but I feel that receiving that spiritual sledgehammer was the Lord's way of helping me become more humble. What were my choices in that moment of being asked to say the prayer? "I can't say the prayer. I don't want to be here and I am frustrated with all of you" or "Father, please take this anger away." The second option took more effort, but it was a better option and an experience I needed. I am grateful for the spiritual sledgehammer that I was given; it was a sledgehammer to be used not on a wall or solid surface but rather to be used on myself so that I would soften my heart.   

Our Living House

I will not be defeated. Hell rages against me, my friends abandon me, the darkness closes in. I feared and worried that I had no place to go; I broke down again, and then again.
A wall of gloom and dismay, no exiting door or opened window through which I might fly, but pure blackness of night surrounds me and a sense of failure after everything I try.
I can still get up once more to fight for the life that exists out those invisible doors for me. I could weep; I could cry, but I? I will not be defeated.

The past month has been a difficult one for me, with many changes and decisions, and much stress. I felt occasionally that I was at the lowest I could go. I believe that if I hadn't had a testimony of our Savior's power, that He could deliver me from my afflictions and rescue me, I would have been in the utmost despair and wouldn't have been able to handle my situations as well. A few things pulled me out of the gloom: That testimony of Jesus Christ and that my adversity would not last, a blessing (see lds.org for more information on the topic), seeing that I was needed, and finally, laughter.

Could anyone really imagine it, that I, a young woman who lacks confidence and is easy to ignore, could ever influence anyone? I thought that I could leave my current situations and few would miss me, but then as I had the opportunity to look up into the faces of my fellow employees, ranging from ages 16 to 40-something, I looked into the eyes of one of the younger employees and realized, "This is why I am here. For him." Perhaps only the single young individual needs my help and friendship at this time, but it is still someone. Later, over the next couple of days I found reasons to laugh, which truly is like medicine, healing and uplifting us.

During the process of being pulled out of my dark struggles, I was reminded about the Provo City Tabernacle and about these words shared in a talk by Linda S. Reeves:

"Almost three years ago a devastating fire gutted the interior of the beloved, historic tabernacle in Provo, Utah. Its loss was deemed a great tragedy by both the community and Church members. Many wondered, “Why did the Lord let this happen? Surely He could have prevented the fire or stopped its destruction.
Ten months later, during the October 2011 general conference, there was an audible gasp when President Thomas S. Monson announced that the nearly destroyed tabernacle was to become a holy temple—a house of the Lord! Suddenly we could see what the Lord had always known! He didn’t cause the fire, but He allowed the fire to strip away the interior. He saw the tabernacle as a magnificent temple—a permanent home for making sacred, eternal covenants.
My dear sisters, the Lord allows us to be tried and tested, sometimes to our maximum capacity. We have seen the lives of loved ones—and maybe our own—figuratively burned to the ground and have wondered why a loving and caring Heavenly Father would allow such things to happen. But He does not leave us in the ashes; He stands with open arms, eagerly inviting us to come to Him. He is building our lives into magnificent temples where His Spirit can dwell eternally."

This reminds me also of something that C.S. Lewis said:

"Imagine yourself as a living house. God comes in to rebuild that house. At first, perhaps, you can understand what He is doing. He is getting the drains right and stopping the leaks in the roof and so on; you knew that those jobs needed doing and so you are not surprised. But presently He starts knocking the house about in a way that hurts abominably and does not seem to make any sense. What on earth is He up to? The explanation is that He is building quite a different house from the one you thought of - throwing out a new wing here, putting on an extra floor there, running up towers, making courtyards. You thought you were being made into a decent little cottage: but He is building a palace. He intends to come and live in it Himself.”

Dark days truly will fade away and the light will rise over the peaks again. We can and will be freed from any struggle we may face. Sometimes we will have to walk through the ominous forests on paths that lead to places we cannot see. Despite this, however, there are better days ahead. Trust in the Savior, know that He loves you, understand that there are people who need your help, and laugh often. 

Stronger

Mistakes. We tend to make many as mortal beings. Weakness. I feel that I am almost always weak to some degree, whether physically, emotionally, or spiritually. All of us pass through trials and sometimes our weaknesses make the trial even more difficult. For me, the harder I try to avoid making mistakes the more I make, and regardless of how much more I do than those around me and how much good I've done, my mistakes and weaknesses seem to define me. Why are weaknesses so evident in each of us?
Heavenly Father taught us that "I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them" (Ether 12:27).  As we go from day to day, enduring the pains and exhaustions we are wont to experience, we may not see at first any purpose for being humbled and worn down. I unfortunately had a negative perspective today as I was continually being pushed to my limits and a little beyond all throughout the day. As I questioned why it must be so and pleaded in prayer for my load to be eased, the burden didn't change; it remained completely the same. However, I changed. My attitude changed as my muscles continued to have the strength they needed to endure, and Heavenly Father sent me both peace and a lesson. I was reminded of a story I heard once about a man that God came to. God asked the man to move a large boulder, and the man started pushing the boulder. Day after day the man returned to the boulder and pushed on it from sunrise to sunset. Finally after some time, God revisited the man to check the progress. The man asked God, "You wanted me to move the boulder, but after so long it's not budging. Why did you give me such an impossible task?" God responded, "Look at your shoulders, arms, and legs." The man's arms and legs had increased in strength.
Although the task at hand seems impossible, especially when we are repeating the same actions and yeilding little result, Heavenly Father has a plan for us. Right now, I don't know the reasons for being pushed beyond my limit each week and for being tried exceedingly. What I do know is that as I've continued, I've been made stronger than I ever realized possible.

"He got a bigger piece!"

In the Book of Mormon, Mosiah, and chapter 10 verse 13, an Ancient American leader wrote about the wars and contentions between his people, the Nephites, and their enemies, the Lamanites. The verse describes why the Lamanites were angry with the Nephites:
"And again, that they were wronged while in the land of their first inheritance, after they had crossed the sea, and all this because that Nephi was more faithful in keeping the commandments of the Lord- therefore he was favored of the Lord, for the Lord heard his prayers and answered them, and he took the lead of their journey in the wilderness."
While considering this scripture I thought of two explanations for this verse. The first explanation is that the narrator, Mormon, wanted to describe that the Lamanites were angry and felt that they had been wronged, but really the Lamanites had not been wronged but disobedient. The second explanation for the verse is best described through the experience of parenthood or leadership, and the whining cry of "He got a bigger piece!"
If one day your child begins to throw things, yell and scream, and punch their siblings, would you love him any differently than the rest of your children? No (At least you shouldn't). When it came to dessert time and everyone was seated around the table, would you intentionally give your misbehaved child a much smaller slice than the rest of your children? Probably not. However, will that child enjoy the cake you spent time making as much as everyone else? It's not that their slice is any different, but their attitude is different. So it was with Laman and Lemuel in the earlier portion of the Book of Mormon. They hadn't received anything different than Nephi and Sam, but they received visions from the Lord, visits from angels, they saw miracles, and they were taught by their father how to have faith and keep the commandments. They received the same exact blessings from the Lord, but they rejected those blessings and rebelled against the Lord. Our Heavenly Father loves each of us the same. We may receive different blessings because we are all unique individuals, but we are promised the same reward in the end. How much we will enjoy the blessings that come from our Father depends on us alone.    

Staying Strong

“I’m exhausted.” “He’s simply burnt out.” “I don’t feel like I have the motivation.” “I can’t do this any more.” Many times in life we want to give up because we become tired or life’s circumstances grow increasingly difficult. Perhaps depression and anxiety affect us or else despair overcomes any positive emotions. We find ourselves waning in friendships, work, health, or family relationships, and we tend to think that the change happening in our life signifies that it’s the end of life as we know it. 

This is not so.

A diamond is formed out of a coal-like (carbon) mineral. In order for a diamond to transform into the clear, beautiful gem as we know it, it must undergo extensive pressure and heat. For a metal to be refined, it must be held in a flame until the right moment so that it can be properly purified. In order for a muscle in the body to strengthen it must be exercised continually, which includes occasional tearing, discomfort, and pain. For the necessary growth and production of good fruit in trees, branches of the tree are cut off and others are grafted in. Only through some pain, pressure, and then healing can anything produce more than what the natural man thought possible. Anything or anyone passing through such pressure is bound to cry or call out, and that’s fine. What is not fine, however, is giving up, regardless of how much we would like to quit. 

There’s a poem that I was asked to memorize in grade school. I memorized it, pondered its meaning, and recite it as often as possible so that it sticks with me. The name of the poem is Invictus (Translation: Unconquered), which goes as follows:

Out of the night that covers me,

Black as the pit from pole to pole,

I thank whatever gods may be 

For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance

I have not winced nor cried aloud.

Under the bludgeonings of chance

My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears

Looms but the Horror of the shade,

And yet the menace of the years

Finds and shall find me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,

How charged with punishment the scroll,

I am the master of my fate,

I am the captain of my soul.    

Throughout life we will pass through many hardships and trials, and we may desire to give up on life, but just as this poem suggests, we decide how our future is going to go and what we are going to do with it. Will we give up everything great in the future simply because we currently struggle? Or will we press forward with faith in good things to come? It is one of our greatest goals to reach the end valiantly, so why not stay strong in the process? Life is going to be difficult, but we don’t have to be conquerable in the least by our enemies, whether they are mortal, immortal, physical, or psychological. Stay strong. Stay courageous.

This is the War of Wars

There are times when I do not really want to write anything, and being in this circumstance today I also find that I do not know what to write, but as I felt a need to write this blog post I hope that I can mention something that will be of worth to someone.
In retrospection of current events around the world, including bombings in several locations such as Paris, it seems that once again we are fighting a threatening power that seeks to destroy anyone and anything that contradicts its own views. We also see similar contention within our own society, homes, and sometimes within ourselves. Interestingly enough, this should remind us of the ongoing war we continually fight on a daily basis: the war against sin.
Some that read this post will not agree that we are fighting a spiritual war because they have little belief in God and Lucifer, a heaven and a hell, but regardless of personal beliefs all can hopefully say that it is their (our) goal to become better each day; hence we are in some manner overcoming and fighting against our natural man and our mistakes. However, God does exist and Satan is the great opposer.
Why do I even mention this? It is necessary that we always remember who is our actual enemy.
Some days when we go into battle we will not win. We may leave the battle of the day with several deep scars, large bruises, and a grief-stricken heart. I know I have more than once, and sometimes I lose the battle many days in a row. However, simply losing one or even several battles does not mean that we should give up all hope. I promise that by continuing on through life's battles we will someday see great peace and happiness. While pondering the violence occurring throughout the world and my personal failures and shortcomings, the thought came to me, "All superheroes at one point are at the mercy of their enemy. Any individual that has attempted to reach greater heights and goals has failed several times in their journey. Every storybook character has a conflict that they must resolve. Regardless of who we are, we will sometimes fail and fall on our journey through life. Those that reach better days and achieve their desires are those that continue to fight, keep moving, and work hard to achieve their dreams. If you don't give up on life, it won't give up on you."
Wherever you are in your life, keep going. Keep fighting for what's right, for your desires, and for your goals. Pick a side and stay on that side with courage, and hopefully you are on the right side, fighting against the evils in the world. God the Father does live and there are better things to come.

5 Miracles

A couple of weeks ago I had an extremely trying week and it actually continued into the following week. Because of it I had a period where I was suffering greatly with anxiety and didn't really want to be around people, and I began to lose my confidence. However, just when I was close to abandoning almost everything to do with my social and work life a few miracles happened. A girl in my ward needed to borrow someone's laptop that had photoshop on it and I happened to have that. As she was over working on her assignment, she told me about a group planning on playing ultimate frisbee during the week. So that upcoming week I included myself in social activities and went and played ultimate frisbee. The girl who told me about it wasn't there but I played frisbee with 5 guys. Two of the guys I already knew, while three of them were new to the ward. As a result of playing ultimate frisbee with them, the three new guys and their roommate quickly became friends that I've been able to hang out with each week. Because of my trial, I became much better at playing the piano (I spent almost everyday practicing to calm my anxiety), I began serving more, I spent more time with my family and people in my ward instead of those at work, and Heavenly Father sent me 5, I suppose 6 actually, miracles at the right time. 
I had dropped so very low that difficult week and a half, but Heavenly Father wanted me to see that He was still watching over me and loved me. He needed me to be humbled so I'd pay more attention to the answers and guidance He had for me. I know He is our watchful and caring Father that never abandons us. We tend to look down as we lose confidence in ourselves and have difficult trials, but if we'll turn around and look up, we'll see that He is there. Never give up on a difficult task. The Lord will provide the way and send blessings beyond measure.